the voyager burger

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A crew of astronauts on a multi-generational mission descend into paranoia and madness, not knowing what is real or not. A crew of astronauts on a multi-generational mission descend into paranoia and madness, not knowing what is real or not. A crew of astronauts on a multi-generational mission descend into paranoia and madness, not knowing what is real or not.

• Neil Burger
• Colin Farrell
• Tye Sheridan
• Lily-Rose Depp
• 475 User reviews
• 100 Critic reviews
• 44 Metascore

• Christopher

• (as Isaac Hempstead-Wright)

• Mission Director

• IVF Technician

• Marianne Sancar
• Christopher - 4 Years Old
• Zac - 4 Years Old
• Sela - 4 Years Old
• All cast & crew
• Production, box office & more at IMDbPro

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Did you know

• Trivia The movie is considered to be a futuristic version of the 1954 William Golding novel Lord of the Flies (1990) .
• Goofs The outer airlock hatch is left open for two minutes and twenty seconds, minimum, after the antagonist explosively opens the inner airlock hatch. The air rushes past the individuals in the lock at a high rate of speed, rapidly depressurizing the ship (as evidence by ship warnings declaring emergency oxygen is being released into the ship). This goes on and on, while the heroes spend a lot of time struggling with Zac. In reality, the wind would die down quickly, and a good portion of the ship would be in a severely depressurized atmosphere in a very short time, causing almost immediate loss of consciousness for anyone not holding their breath (which Zac clearly was not doing, as he can be heard grunting and gasping for breath while struggling).

Christopher : We didn't ask to be here.

Richard : Nobody chooses what they're born into. But you have to find a way to live your life. You gotta decide what kind of person you want to be. You gotta try to be good.

• Connections Featured in WhatCulture Originals: 10 Recent Movies That Blew Great Concepts (2021)
• Soundtracks Fidelio, Op. 72: Overture Written by Ludwig van Beethoven Performed by Das Kölner Rundfunk-Sinfonie-Orchester (as WDR Sinfonieorchester Köln) and Günter Wand Courtesy of Naxos of America, Inc.

User reviews 475

• May 5, 2021
• How long is Voyagers? Powered by Alexa
• April 9, 2021 (United States)
• United States
• Czech Republic
• United Kingdom
• Official Facebook
• Official Instagram
• Bản Năng Hoang Dại
• Bucharest, Romania
• AGC Studios
• Fibonacci Films
• Freecs Films
• See more company credits at IMDbPro
• Apr 11, 2021

Technical specs

• Runtime 1 hour 48 minutes
• Dolby Atmos

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‘Voyagers’ Review: In Space, Everyone Can Hear You Scream

Emotional anarchy derails a space mission in this insipid sci-fi drama.

• Share full article

By Jeannette Catsoulis

Essentially a zero-gravity “Lord of the Flies,” Neil Burger’s “Voyagers” nevertheless plays like a CW sci-fi pilot for those who find “The 100” too unsanitary. Set aboard a sterile spaceship hurtling toward a distant planet — though any claustrophobic, closed-off environment would have served just as well — this dull dig into human nature owes more to the aesthetics of Calvin Klein than the terrors of outer space.

The year is 2063, Earth is heating up, and a couple of dozen children have been trained to colonize a new world. Bred for intelligence and compliance, these docile pioneers, watched over by a sad-eyed surrogate father named Richard (Colin Farrell), begin an 86-year journey. Almost all will be dead before they reach their destination, so they have been designed to reproduce at timed intervals. Considering they’ve all grown into lissome, blandly attractive young adults, this should not be a problem.

We soon learn, though, that the crew’s universally robotic affect is not simply a deficit in the cast’s acting ability, but the result of a sedative designed to suppress emotion. Figuring this out, Christopher (Tye Sheridan, all pout and pique) and his friend Zac (Fionn Whitehead, in the film’s only vivid performance), stop taking the substance and discover that they’re both hot for the same woman (Lily-Rose Depp). In short order, the noncompliance spreads and the situation on board devolves predictably into an orgy of dancing, wrestling, copulating and running down long corridors. Worse is to follow.

A movie of cold light and hard surfaces, “Voyagers” owes its antiseptic glamour to the cinematographer Enrique Chediak, whose talents far outclass Burger’s underdeveloped script. Mysteries abound, including why Richard (who has been sidelined by an incident I won’t spoil) chose to accompany the voyagers, and why he wears a permanently pained expression.

“I wouldn’t miss a thing,” he tells superiors before he leaves Earth, hinting at a tragic past that’s never explained. Neither is the alien that might be messing around outside the ship — or, as the increasingly maniacal Zac suggests, inside one or more of the crew.

In replicating a society torn apart by lies and fear and gaslighting, “Voyagers” might feel, for some, a bit too close to home for comfort. And as the chaos and violence escalated and rival factions formed, I amused myself by pondering who might be running the ship. I concluded it was the alien.

Voyagers Rated PG-13 for picturesque coupling and ugly behavior. Running time: 1 hour 48 minutes. In theaters. Please consult the guidelines outlined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention before watching movies inside theaters.

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‘Voyagers’ Director Neil Burger on Channeling ‘Lord of the Flies’ in Space

By Brent Lang

Executive Editor

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Neil Burger ‘s sci-fi thriller “ Voyagers ” follows a team of hormonal, interplanetary teenage explorers as they slowly shed their civilized veneers and take a walk on the primal side.

The film unfolds almost entirely on a shuttle barreling through the deepest recesses of space, with its young crew tasked with a multi-generational mission to colonize a distant world. That premise has drawn comparisons to William Golding’s seminal 1954 novel “Lord of the Flies,” and the similarities between the book and film is one that Burger readily acknowledges and embraces. The film was conceived and shot before COVID, but the feelings of isolation and hopelessness that the characters experience and the paranoia that seizes hold of the crew is instantly recognizable for moviegoers who have spent the last year in semi-lockdown.

“Voyagers,” which stars Tye Sheridan, Lily-Rose Depp, Fionn Whitehead and (as the only adult in the room) Colin Farrell, opens on Friday. Burger spoke with Variety about working with his youthful cast and the futuristic adventure’s unexpected topicality.

What inspired “Voyagers”?

Stories come to you in so many different ways. In this case, two images popped into my head. One was of these young people sitting on the floor of a space ship, kind of zoned out and looking like they were disheveled and spent after a hunt. I had this other image of young people chasing someone down the very narrow corridor of a spaceship and catching and beating him to death. That intrigued me and caused me to tease out a larger scenario, one that tied into the idea of who are we as human beings? But first, I had to create a story to explain why there would be young people and only young people on a space craft.

This movie has been described as “Lord of the Flies” in space. Do you think that’s an accurate depiction?

It is. I love the book “Lord of the Flies” and I love the Peter Brook movie . Once I wrote the script, I wondered if what I was doing was what that story had done. Rather than trying to run away from it, I decided to lean into it.

But it does have differences. “Lord of the Flies” is very much about those boys reverting to male British behavior involving hunting and war. In our case, the crew of young men and women have no cultural references at all. When we strip away everything, what we’re looking at is human nature in a vacuum. They’re not reverting to any cultural stereotype. This allows us to think about ideas like, at our core, who are we? Are we naturally good or are we just animals looking to satisfy our appetites?

Where did you land in terms of our primal state?

I swing back and forth between pessimism and optimism. Having the movie coming out now makes it more relevant because of the year we’ve just been through in terms of the pandemic and our confinement and the political situation. We’ve seen how fear can be stoked and manipulated and used by people in power for their own ends. People can be pushed into paranoia and mob violence. Human history has mostly been a march towards an expansion of rights for people and of people trying to figure out a way to look out for others and alleviate human suffering. But there are also a lot of steps backwards in that constant attempt to improve things.

The movie was produced and written pre-COVID. Does the film land differently now?

It feels less like a cautionary tale and more like a commentary on what happened.

Did you do a lot of rehearsing with your cast?

I had 30 actors who were around the age of 20 on set. Their characters were a little like horses that had never been let out of the stall. If you take a horse that’s never been let out of the stall and you put in the field, it doesn’t start running. It just stands there because that’s all it knows. Its whole being has been reduced to dull nothingness. For these young people, I wanted them to have a sense that they were playing characters who had the slowest internal metronome possible. They had nothing to do on the ship — it runs itself. Their job was to eat and sleep and do some minor maintenance and, at a certain point, to procreate. We did group meditation where we tried to instill a stillness in them. There could be no nervous energy. That could not initially be part of this movie. Then they felt wonderful when they could erupt into this atmosphere of wild abandon

Your movies jump between a lot of different genres — from thrillers (“Limitless”) to character-based dramas (“The Upside”) to franchise films (“Divergent”). Is there any thematic tissue that connects your work?

All the movies I make seem very different from each other, but to me, there is a through line to them. Often they deal with questions about whether or not we can change who we are.

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The Voyager

Ratings and reviews, location and contact.

Had heard a lot about this cafe and we always wanted to see what the buzz was all about. We finally got some time to visit this beautiful place which is also a 24hrs cafe. We started with their shakes cause i like my dessert... first then ordered two lipsmacking burger and one steak and to be honest i really loved it. Their burgers were one of a kind and a must try. Steak was well cooked. Here is a list of items we ordered... - cocoa bliss ( new drink which is a dark chocolate but not too dark and is perfectly balanced) - kitkat shake -brownie shake - penne alfredo chicken pasta - voyager legendary beef burger ( a humongous burger which is a treat for your tastebud) - cheese buster beef burger ( cheesegasm) - beef steak in mushroom peper sauce A must try Their cocoa bliss and cheese buster beef burger is a must try❤️ More

Time does not matter for Craving Burgers, The Voyager is there with the best Burgers in Town 24/7. Good Ambience.

Right on the Seaport - Airport road at Kakkanad it's a small restaurant. But quick and friendly service makes the fresh dishes a real enjoyment. Best choice for late night dining. We had chicken soup, sandwiches, roti and vegetable kadai. Mintlime with passion fruit was... a good suggestion from Prince . It was a nice joint ! More

Bare average food served only after testing your patience... Serves cold dull french fries after making you wait for more than an hour.. definitely not a family place as kids generally will not tolerate that wait.. served some avg burger..full enough to insult gourmet burgers..... just above frozen patty burgers.. late night when run out of options.. this can be your stable Super hyped up place. If you have real crave for good Burgers, look up More

The voyager is a small place situated in the Seaport-Airport road in kakkanad,kochi. The burgers here are amazing and i had ordered the cheese buster!!! It was dripping in cheese. It was a beef burger with jalapenos and tucked into nice soft brioche buns. Also... i had ordered the ice tea. It was well made and delicious. Overall 5/5 More

this is a 24 hrs. restaurant and located near kakkanad signal on the seaport airport road .. set up in the restaurant is good enough .. the ambience inside is also good .. there are 2 TV sets inside that show mainly sports channels ..... IPL matches were being aired while we visited the restaurant .. burgers, sandwitches, etc. are present always here .. there is a chess board to spend time while the food arrives .. fodd service is a bit slow .. took us more than half an hour to serve butter rotis, nan and paneer makhani .. did'nt enjoy the taste however .. have tasted better north indian dishes at much lower rates in other restaurants .. i would advice people to go to this restaurant only if they are travelling by the side aftermid night when other restaurants are non-functional .. More

Really a gud place to hangout after midnight.kitkat shake they serve was awesome. A must visit place.

The place is famous for its scrumptious burgers. A bit expensive compared to other burger places in Kakkanad.

Seriously brother it cost 630 rupees, dear owner/ manager if you are seeing this review please understand you really bad.. When you are ordering for pasta / burger for this damn price and pathetic service at least please provide with accompaniments, without asking your staff... can't provide tomato ketchup with burger and chilli flakes and oregano with your pasta And above this there is no French fries even with burger with in this price Come on brother there lot of other good place in kakand to have all these Even after complaining this to the poor person in the cashier counter he really doesn't care about this problem Dear manager / owner kindly change yur terms and conditions as per your staff At the moment we are having the food at a local restaurant since your portion size also poor Thank you for your hospitality Warm Regards Chandrakanth Hari +918943745994 More

Undoubtedly the best 24 hr cafe in Kochi. Went there at around 3am and almost all the tables were occupied. Had chicken and beef steaks which were really good. The big fat sandwich was just okay but as the name says, its big enough for... two people. Also had french fries, which wasn't good enough. Also, Their choco bliss is a must try drink. Overall a very satisfying experience. More

Pretty good ambience and funky dishes ... Burgasm is a must try ... you can also try the pastas which are average. The brownie shake is amazing if you like chocolate brownies else go for a voyager twist which has nuts and fruits mixed in

Great cafe with awesome food. Loved their burgers and shakes. My favourites are the legendary burger, Burgasm and cheese buster. Special mention for coco bliss and voyager twist.

Had a chicken steak costing 330/- The presentation of the dish with steam was superb., But the contents and itsquantity was very low.

The cafe is nice with all the great ambience. The legendary burger is super tasty. And the monster shake is also awesome. The brownie shake is a best to try. They offer games to play like chess and more. Moreover they don't charge GST like... other restaurants. More

Voyager is at sea port airport road.Oppisite to DLF.This place serve food for 24hrs.You will get South Indian and North India food also.Even Chinese is also served here.Small hub but the food is tasty.

THE VOYAGER, Kochi (Cochin) - Restaurant Reviews, Photos & Phone Number - Tripadvisor

• Service: 3.5

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2021, Sci-fi/Mystery & thriller, 1h 48m

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Critics Consensus

It has a game cast and a premise ripe with potential, but Voyagers drifts in familiar orbit rather than fully exploring its intriguing themes. Read critic reviews

Audience Says

It has a decent cast and some interesting twists on its Lord of the Flies -inspired story, but Voyagers is slow to get going and sputters out in the end. Read audience reviews

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Voyagers videos, voyagers   photos.

With the future of the human race in danger, a group of young men and women, bred for enhanced intelligence and to suppress emotional impulses, embark on an expedition to colonize a distant planet. But when they uncover disturbing secrets about the mission, they defy their training and begin to explore their most primitive natures. As life on the ship descends into chaos, they're consumed by fear, lust, and the hunger for power.

Rating: PG-13 (Bloody Images|A Sexual Assault|Brief Strong Language|Some Strong Sexuality|Violence)

Genre: Sci-fi, Mystery & thriller, Adventure

Original Language: English

Director: Neil Burger

Producer: Basil Iwanyk , Neil Burger , Brendon Boyea

Writer: Neil Burger

Release Date (Theaters): Apr 9, 2021  wide

Release Date (Streaming): Apr 28, 2021

Runtime: 1h 48m

Distributor: Lionsgate Films

Production Co: Stillking Films, Icon Films, AGC Studios, Freecs Films, Thunder Road Pictures, Fibonacci Films, Ingenious Media

Sound Mix: Dolby Atmos

Aspect Ratio: Scope (2.35:1)

Cast & Crew

Tye Sheridan

Christopher

Lily-Rose Depp

Fionn Whitehead

Colin Farrell

Chanté Adams

Isaac Hempstead-Wright

Viveik Kalra

Archie Madekwe

Quintessa Swindell

Archie Renaux

Neil Burger

Screenwriter

Basil Iwanyk

Brendon Boyea

Jonathan Fuhrman

Executive Producer

Stuart Ford

Greg Shapiro

Miguel Palos

Andrea Scarso

Jamie Jessop

Victoria Hill

G. Mac Brown

Enrique Chediak

Cinematographer

Naomi Geraghty

Film Editing

Trevor Gureckis

Original Music

Scott Chambliss

Production Design

Luca Bucura

Art Director

Grigore Puscariu

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Critic Reviews for Voyagers

Audience reviews for voyagers.

Voyagers feels so astonishingly like a Young Adult novel and yet it is an original screenplay from director Neil Burger (Limitless, Divergent), though it borrows heavily from Lord of the Flies at that. Set in the distant future, we're aboard a colony ship with teenagers meant to be the future of Earth, or at least their grandchildren will be when they land on a new planet. They're kept on a controlled regiment of activity, nutrition, and mood-altering medication to keep their hormones in check until it's optimum breeding time (in vitro operations). After an accident, the teenagers are all alone on a ship with no adults, and they fear an alien might have snuck on board. This leads to different factions being created, one that says to follow the rules established by their adult authority figures, and the other that wants to stop taking their meds, stop rationing their supplies, and live as wild as they desire. This leads to extended bouts of PG-13 horniess; the movie practically feels like it's trying to dry hump you for stretches of time. Everything is very YA, from the character dynamics, to the major conflict without adults, to dealing with their hormones and the thrill of freedom. I found an unexpected parallel with this movie to the January 6 insurrection. The villain in this movie, played snidely by Fionn Whitehead (Dunkirk), is a darkly charismatic leader who appeals to the most selfish, self-destructive instincts of his peers, and even after definitive proof is given about his moral culpability, he's able to still gaslight his followers to accept his reality distortions and stirs them into an ignorant, violent mob. I found this character's eventual death to be extremely satisfying as a climax. Regardless, Voyagers isn't anything special. It's a lot of running down corridors, smokey side eyes and lip biting, and paranoid shouting about who is or isn't the alien. As a user so succinctly put it on Letterboxd, it's "Among Us but horny." Nate's Grade: C

The Lord of the Flies story (which is to say that children, even educated children, may tend towards brutal tribalism without adult supervision)...in a spaceship. The framing device, test tube babies out to colonize a new world, is different somewhat from the original but essentially the story's the same one. Stick with the book, or even one of the two films made from it, of which this one comes in a distant third.

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Have you tried the peanut butter beef burger at the voyager diner in kakkanad.

If you’re a burger fan like we are, then you’ve got to try the burgers at The Voyager Diner. Located in Kakkanad, this 24/7 open diner is inspired by the American diner culture. They have one of the juiciest, lip-smacking burger options you can ever try. Their peanut butter beef burger is one of their most unique burgers. Trust us, you’ll have dreams about their burgers.

Read on, you’re about to feel some serious hunger pangs set in.

Relish Legendary Beef Fries, Burgasm, Voyager Legendary Burger and more

The burgers here are massive and flavourful. It features quality ingredients piled high with toppings and tasty sauces. We’d recommend their best selling burger which is called Burgasm. True to its name, this juicy burger with cheese dripping down from all over is sure to give you a foodgasm.

Also Read: Best Burgers In Thrissur You’ll Ever Get To Try

View this post on Instagram A post shared by The Voyager 24 Hours Diner (@thevoyagerdiner)

If you’re up for experimenting, the Peanut Butter Beef Burger is a must-try. They use homemade peanut butter sauce and the “Umami” of beef while making this special dish. 

Apart from the burgers, they also have a wacky shake menu. One of their most recommended shakes is the Monster Shake. They have filled this shake up with chocolate in five elements – Melted chocolate, chocolate brownie (the munchy bits), chocolate oreo, Lotte Choco Pie and the world-famous Delfi Twisters, topped with homemade whipped cream. Commence drooling.

Also Read: Kochi-based Small Businesses That Serve Amazing Dishes

Let us know your favourite burger at The Voyager Diner in the comments. We’d love to try it out.

• Beef burger
• kerala food
• The Voyager Diner

[…] Also Read: Have You Tried The Peanut Butter Beef Burger At The Voyager Diner In Kakkanad? […]

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Cast & Crew

Tye Sheridan

Christopher

Lily-Rose Depp

Fionn Whitehead

Colin Farrell

Chanté Adams

Formulaic, soapy teen space drama has lust, sex, violence.

• Average 4.9
• Reviews 144

Information

© 2020 VOYAGERS FINANCING AND DISTRIBUTION, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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• Kochi, Kerala /

The Voyager Diner (24/7)

Trying perfectly cooked chicken steaks , steak burgers and butter chicken is a nice experience here. It's worth visiting this restaurant for tasty brownies , chocolate burgers and chocolate custard . Order the delicious strawberry mojito , bitter or mint mojito served here. Great cappuccino , chocolate shake or smoothies are what can make you come back to The Voyager .

This place provides food delivery for the convenience of its clients. Most reviewers find the staff cute. The professional service is something these restaurateurs care about. Prices are found average here. There is an enjoyable ambiance and nice decor at this spot. This restaurant scored 4.1 in the Google rating system.

Frequently mentioned in reviews

Ratings of the voyager diner (24/7), visitors' opinions on the voyager diner (24/7).

Restaurant menu

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Restaurant features in Kochi

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The Voyager

Casual Dining . Cost for two: ₹600

Casual Dining Cost for two: ₹600

Kakkanad, Kochi.

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Ratings & Reviews

1 Followers

27 Oct 2019

Loved the food at this place

Shaista Ahmed

13 Sep 2019

Facilities & Features

Breakfast place, seating available, takeaway available, wifi available.

Food Images

The Voyager Special Chicken Burger

[Chef's Recommended] Here’s proof that we’d never chicken out. Homemade juicy chicken patty topped with melted cheese, crunchy lettuce, veggies and our special sauce between toasted brioche bun.

The Country Style Hamburger

Staple to the people of Hamburg, this is one cuisine that has travelled across seas and gained popularity. Homemade beef patty, grilled medium-well, packed with crunchy veggies, pickled jalapenos, American cheese and our house special sauce, between a brioche bun.

Peanut Butter Beef Burger

Indulge in an absolutely rich, nutty, buttery, gooey mess of the PB burger, which is mildly sweet, yet savoury in flavour. The homemade nuttiness infused with the juiciness of the homemade beef patty, stacked with crunchy lettuce, grilled mushrooms and onions, with a dab of spicy hot sauce and a slice of cheese could make this PB burger melt in your mouth before you know it!

Legendary Beef Fries

This is our take on Canada’s favourite comfort food, “Poutine”. It’s an obnoxiously delicious mess of French fries, smothered in seasoned rich, moist and juicy, minced beef, topped with jalapeños. Comes with house special cheese sauce

Chicken Steak In Herb Pan Sauce

Herb seasoned grilled chicken breast, cooked in herb pan pepper brown sauce, served alongside tossed veggies and butter parsley rice.

Chicken Penne Alfredo Pasta

[Chef's Recommended] Penne pasta cooked and tossed in an inhouse blended Italian herbs and freshly made creamy cheese sauce and juicy chicken.

Texas Style BBQ Burger

This is just our best version of the OG to keep you going till your next Texas trip. A hot and juicy beef/chicken patty of your choice, layered with pickles, a dash of Texas style BBQ sauce, crunchy lettuce, grilled onions, tomato and a dash of house special sauce.

Kitkat Shake

[Chef's Recommended] The pride of voyager that needs no introduction.

Brownie Shake

Its pretty obvious, really. A chocolate brownie blend, but yum.

Mac And Cheese With Grilled Chicken

[Chef's Recommended] An absolute comfort food, especially for cheese lovers, macaroni cooked in a rich creamy, cheesy classic sauce. And some juicy grilled chicken to go with it.

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• Voyager menu

Voyager Menu

Menu added by users august 30, 2023.

Menu added by the restaurant owner August 10, 2022

• Baby corn Firestix 3.35 Sticks of baby sweetcorn in a spicy cajun coating, served w/ mixed leaves & a sour cream & chive dip
• Breaded Camembert 3.55 Melting Camembert w/ caramelised onion coated in a crunchy wholemeal crumb served w/ cranberry sauce
• Prawn Cocktail 3.55 Chilled prawns on a bed of crisp iceberg lettuce topped w/ a tangy seafood sauce served w/ hand cut bloomer bread & butter
• Cheesy Nachos 3.55 Just want something to nibble on while you wait for your meal crunchy tortilla chips topped w/ melted cheddar cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream & chives & sliced red jalapenos
• Reggae Reggae Chicken Wings 3.65 Tender & juicy chicken wings seasoned & coated in the famous spicy BBQ sauce w/ extra sauce for dunking
• Soup of The Day 2.50 Piping hot & served w/ hand cut bloomer bread & butter ask for today's choice
• Ultimate Combo 7.45 A real plate full share one as a starter or as a snack, there's something for everyone reggae reggae chicken wings hand cut potato wedges, onion rings, breaded mushrooms & garlic bread, served w/ BBQ & garlic mayonnaise dips
• Golden Breaded Mushrooms 3.35 Whole button mushrooms in a crispy golden crumb coating served w/ a garlic mayonnaise or BBQ dip
• Chip Buttie 2.10 Hot chips, soft bread, nothing better
• Cheddar Cheese & Red Onion Chutney 3.50
• Classic BLT 3.80
• Chicken BBQ Melt 4.10 Slices of chicken breast smothered w/ BBQ sauce & topped w/ melted cheddar cheese
• Tuna Melt 2 reviews 3.90 Flakes of tuna mixed w/ mayonnaise & topped w/ melted Cheddar cheese
• Bacon 6 reviews & Cheese Melt 3.80 Cheddar cheese melted over grilled bacon
• Fisherman’s 4.10 A twist on the traditional bloomer bread layered w/ tuna mayonnaise & cucumber, followed by a layer of prawns in a marie rose dressing on iceberg lettuce
• Chicken 27 reviews & Bacon 6 reviews 4.10 The classic double Decker sandwich Toasted bloomer bread layered w/ chicken, bacon, lettuce, tomato & mayonnaise
• Reggae Reggae Chicken Wrap 4.10 Strips of chicken coated in the famous BBQ sauce, w/ shredded lettuce
• Steak 25 reviews & Onion Wrap 4.40 Strips of grilled prime rump steak & crispy fried onions
• Cajun vegetable Wrap 3.50 Peppers, carrots, onions, mangetout, & baby sweetcorn coated in cajun seasoning, w/ a sour cream & chive dip
• Breaded Plaice 4.15 A crispy golden breaded plaice fillet served w/ chips, a choice of mushy or garden peas & tartare sauce
• Gammon Steak 4.10 A 4oz gammon steak topped w/ a fried egg & served w/ chips & peas
• Steak 25 reviews & Ale Pie 4.10 A proper slice of pie tender chunks of steak in marston’s pedigree ale gravy baked in shortcrust pastry & served w/ chips & peas
• Basque Chicken 4.10 Gently poached chicken breast pieces in a lightly spiced tomato sauce w/ red peppers & onions finished w/ a little cream served w/ garlic bread & a side salad
• Three Cheese Pasty 4.10 Cheddar cheese, red Leicester cheese & double Gloucester cheese w/ potato in a creamy sauce encased in shortcrust pastry
• Ham, Egg & Chips 4.10 Two slices of honey roast ham topped w/ two fried eggs & served w/ chips
• Chicken 27 reviews & Bacon Melt 4.15 Halfa chicken breast w/ bacon, BBQ sauce & melted cheddar cheese, served w/ chips & a side salad
• Cheddar Cheese & Beans 3.85
• Cheddar Cheese & Honey Roast Ham 4.10
• Tuna Mayonnaise 3.85
• Rump Steak 8.15 An 8oz rump steak served w/ half a grilled tomato. chips & peas.
• Mixed Grill 7 reviews 9.95 Half chicken breast, 4oz rump steak, 4oz gammon steak. sausage, fried egg half a grilled tomato, peas & chips
• Sirloin Steak 1 review 9.25 An 8oz sirloin steak served w/ half a grilled tomato. chips & peas
• Gammon Steak 6.10 An 8oz gammon steak topped w/ a fried egg or pineapple, served w/ chips & peas
• Mexican Chicken Burger 6.15 Crispy coated chicken fillets topped w/ tomato salsa, jalapenos & sour cream & chive dressing
• BBQ Ranch Burger 6.15 Our classic beef burger topped w/ bacon & melted cheddar cheese served w/ BBQ sauce
• Classic Burger 4.95 A prime beef burger or crispy chicken fillets w/ lettuce, tomato & burger relish
• The Chilli Cheese 6.15 Our‎ classic beef burger topped w/ chilli con carne, jalapenos cheddar cheese & sour cream & chive dressing
• Smoky Red Pepper & Jalapeno Burgers 4.95 A spicy burger combining red peppers, jalapenos, onion, mozzarella & rocket, infused w/ smoked paprika served w/ a sour cream & chive dip
• 1 6oz Rump Steak 12.95 Served w/ a bucket of chips, half a grilled tomato & peas
• Surf & Turf 11.95 An 8oz rump steak & crispy golden whole taiis of breaded scampi served w/ a bucket of chips, a choice of mushy or garden peas & tartare sauce
• Melt Stack 9.25 An 8oz gammon steak topped w/ BBQ sauce & melted cheddar cheese, further topped w/ a chicken breast topped w/ more BBQ sauce & even more melted cheddar cheese Served w/ a bucket of chips & a side salad
• Mixed Grill 7 reviews 13.95 A chicken breast 8oz rump steak, 8oz gammon steak, sausage, fried egg, half grilled tomato, peas & a bucket of chips
• Old MacDonald Burger 8.25 The best of both worlds a beef burger layered w/ bacon & melted cheddar cheese, topped w/ a crispy coated chicken fillet & more bacon, all served in a toasted floured bap w/ lettuce & sliced tomato served w/ onion rings, BBQ sauce & a bucket of chips
• Chicken Jalfrezi 6.20 The nation's new Favourite tender chunks of chicken in a medium spiced sauce w/ chunks of onion & red & green peppers
• Chicken Korma 6.30 A real comPort rood curry chunks ofchicken in a mildly spiced sweet coconut & cream based sauce w/ ground almonds
• Cut Throat Curry 6.30 Tender diced chicken breast w/ sliced pepper in a fiery curry sauce, flavoured w/ very hot Naga jolokia chilli
• Chicken Tikka Masala 5.95 Chunks of chicken in a mildly spiced tomato & onion sauce flavoured w/ coriander
• Lamb Saag Masala 6.40 Lamb chunks in a medium spiced spinach sauce flavoured w/ coriander & aromatic spices
• Masala 6.10 Classic tomato & onion w/ coriander, cumin & ginger sauce
• Bhuna 6.10 A rich sweet spiced onion sauce w/ coriander
• Minced Beef & Onion Suet Pudding 6.15 A hearty baked suet pastry pudding brimming w/ minced beef & onions cooked in an ale gravy served w/ mashed potatoes. peas, carrots & gravy
• Beef Lasagne 5.50 Layers of pasta & beef Bolognese topped w/ bechamel sauce & grated cheese served w/ garlic bread & a side salad
• Steak 25 reviews & Ale Pie 6.25 A hearty slice of shortcrust pastry pie filled w/ tender pieces of steak in Marston's pedigree ale gravy served w/ chips, peas & extra gravy
• B8Q Chicken & Bacon Melt 7.10 A chicken breast topped w/ bacon BBQ sauce & melted cheese, served w/ chips & a side salad
• Golden Scampi 6.25 Crispy golden whole tails of breaded scampi served w/ chips, peas & tartare sauce
• Cod w/ Parsley Sauce 6.25 A tender loin of cod w/ a creamy parsley sauce served w/ new potatoes & peas
• Chicken 27 reviews & Crispy Bacon Salad 5.50 A whole chicken breast & crispy grilled bacon served on a bed of crisp fresh mixed leaves, chunks of tomato, cucumber & red onion, tossed w/ a honey & mustard dressing
• Chicken Enchiladas 7.10 Chicken breast pieces in a spicy Mexican sauce, wrapped in flour tortillas & topped w/ salsa & monterey Jack cheese served w/ a side salad, potato wedges & a sour cream & chive dip
• Sizzling Fajitas 7.15 A‎ fajita favourite brought to the table on your own tower choose from slices of chicken breast, slices of rump steak or slices of mushroom accompanied by peppers. carrots. Onions, mangetout. baby sweetcorn & fajita seasoning, cooked on a sizzling platter served w/ three flour tortillas, grated cheddar cheese. guacamole. salsa & a sour cream & chive dip
• Fish 18 reviews & Chips 6.15 A fish fillet battered in house using our Marston's pedigree ale batter, served w/ chips, a choice of mushy or garden peas & tartare sauce
• Butternut Squash Bake 5.75 Layers of spinach & ricotta interleaved w/ butternut squash, tomato & sage sauce topped w/ pumpkin & pecorino crumbs served w/ a side salad & garlic bread
• All Day Breakfast 3.45 Two pork sausages a rasher of back bacon, two fried eggs, half grilled tomato, chips & baked beans
• Peppadew Pasta Chicken 7.10 Tender‎ chicken breast in a sweet Peppadewn pepper & crème fraiche sauce tossed w/ spirals of tortilla pasta Served w/ garlic bread & a side salad
• Chicken 27 reviews & Chorizo Bake 5.25 Chicken breast & spicy chorizo in a tomato, red pepper & cannellini bean sauce, layered w/ sauteed potatoes, topped w/ breadcrumbs served w/ carrots & green beans
• Butternut squash Bake Layers of Spinach & ricotta interleaved w/ butternut squash, tomato & sage sauce topped w/ a pumpkin & pecorino crumb served w/ a side salad
• Beef Lasagne 4.85 Layers of pasta & beef bolognese topped w/ béchamel sauce & grated cheese served w/ a side salad
• Cottage Pie 5.25 Farm assured British beef topped w/ mashed potato served w/ carrots & green beans
• Chicken Bhuna 5.25 Tender chicken breast in a spicy bhuna sauce flavoured w/ aromatic spices & coriander, served w/ rice
• Bucket of Chips 325.00
• Cheesy Chips 2.15
• Spicy Curly Fries 2.35
• Cheesy Garlic Bread 2.00
• Onion Rings 3 reviews 1.60
• Side Combo 2.10
• Hand Cut Potato Wedges 2.00
• Garlic Bread 1.70
• Bread & Butter 1.00
• Salad Bowl 1.95
• Lemon Meringue Pie 3.45 Sweet pastry case w/ a zesty lemon filling topped w/ crisp meringue served w/ cream or ice cream
• Melt in the Middle Chocolate Pudding 3.15 A warm & rich chocolate pudding w/ a melting heart, especially delicious w/ chocolate ice cream
• Mango & Passion Fruit ice Cream Cake 3.25 A digestive biscuit base topped w/ layers of tropical flavoured ice cream finished w/ a passion fruit glaze w/ chocolate pieces served w/ cream or ice cream
• Gold Rush Pie 3.45 Crisp chocolate biscuit crumb layered w/ milk chocolate custard & rich toffee cheesecake topped w/ chunks of chewy brownie, chocolate coated toffee popcorn & golden chunks or honey comb Served w/ cream or ice cream
• Sticky Toffee Cheesecake 3.25 Crisp cinnamon crumb, layered w/ moist sticky to free sponge & creamy vanilla cheesecake, swirled w/ rich toffee sauce served w/ cream or ice cream
• Syrup Sponge Pudding 2.95 Our favourite traditional British dessert, steamed sponge pudding over flowing w/ thick golden syrup served w/ custard, cream or ice cream
• Jam Roly Poly Pudding 3.25 Traditional‎ roly poly dessert layered w/ fruity raspberry jam baked in a golden sponge served w/ custard, cream or ice cream
• Bramley Apple Pie 2.95 Crisp shortcrust pastry filled w/ tart & sweet Bramley apples delicious served hot or cold w/ cream, ice cream or custard
• Rhubarb Crumble 2.95 Our Favourite seasonal fruit topped w/ a crunchy, golden crumble served w/ a choice of custard, cream or ice cream
• Caramel Crunchy Sundae 3.25 Vanilla flavoured & caramel ice creams, topped w/ cream, caramel crunch pieces & butterscotch sauce
• Trifle Sundae 3.25 Tropical‎ fruit. strawberry jelly & custard in between scoops of vanilla flavoured ice cream, topped w/ cream & raspberry sauce.
• Chocolate Indulgence Sundae 3.25 The chocolate lover's weakness chocolate & vanilla flavoured ice creams topped w/ cream, nuts & chocolate sauce, finished w/ chocolate flakes
• Mega Rocky Road Sundae 5.85 A delicious layer of chocolate brownie chunks, covered w/ chocolate & vanilla flavoured ice creams then a layer of marshmallows smothered w/ rich chocolate sauce then finished w/ lashings olcream, more marshmallows, chopped nuts & yet more chocolate sauce
• Smarties Ice Cream Dessert 1.35 A chocolate & vanilla ice cream dessert topped w/ mini Smarties
• Ice Cream Sundae 1.35 Two scoops of vanilla flavoured ice cream topped w/ chocolate sauce & cartoon wafers
• Cheeky Monkey's Favourite 1.35 A delicious bowl of custard dotted w/ slices of sweet banana delicious served hot or cold
• Jelly & Ice Cream 1.35 Delicious low sugar fruit jelly w/ a scoop of vanilla flavoured ice cream
• Chocolate Brownie 1.35 A mini chocolate brownie, served w/ hot custard or vanilla flavoured ice cream
• Jam Roly Poly 1.35 Delicious raspberry jam wrapped up in a golden sponge, served w/ vanilla flavoured ice cream or custard
• Fruit Shoot MY-5 One of our friendly staff can tell you about the flavours we have available
• Fish Fingers Three 100% fish fillet fingers
• Beef Burger Crispy Chicken Fillet Burger Why not make it your own by adding Cheddar cheese or a crispy bacon
• Crispy Chicken Dippers Four farm assured crispy chicken dippers
• Super Sausages Two scrumptious pork or quorn sausages, a real favourite
• Burger Bar Choose your favourite burger & we’ll top it w/ crisp lettuce, tomato & cucumber & wrap it in our lightly toasted seedless bun
• Mac n' Cheese Hot Dog A mini frankfurter sausage in a crispy macaroni & cheddar cheese crumb all wrapped up in a sub roll all you need to do now is add your sauce, choose from BBQ or Heinz tomato ketchup or go veggie & change it to a quorn sausage instead
• Mashed Potato
• Mini Potato Waffles
• Jacket Potato Boat
• New Potatoes
• Crunchy Salad Sticks
• Baked Beans
• Corn on the Cob
• Pizza Party Your very own flat bread cheese & tomato pizza
• Fish 18 reviews & Chips A crispy battered Haddock fillet
• Lasagne Made to our own secret recipe, w/ layers of pasta & beef Bolognese all topped off w/ a cheese sauce & served w/ garlic bread
• Chicken Dinner Half a chicken breast fillet, a Yorkshire pudding & gravy
• Crispy Chicken Strips or Vegetable Medley Three flour tortilla wraps & your choice of filling, along w/ grated cheddar cheese, crisp lettuce & tangy BBQ sauce fold it any way you like served w/ mini potato waffles

Menus of restaurants nearby

• Héritage Blanc Patriarche FRANCE 2.95 - 10.75 Crisp & dry w/ floral aromas & hints of grapefruit, citrus & vanilla on the palate. 11%
• Black Tower Fruity White GERMANY 3.15 - 11.45 This deliciously smooth fruity white wine is full of fresh pineapple & ripe mango fruit flavours 9.5%
• Franschhoek Cellars Chenin Blanc SOUTH AFRICA 3.30 - 11.95 This wine has an expressive nose w/ mango, peach & honey blossom flavours on the palate is tropical fruit, w/ a rich & creamy finish. 13.5%
• Hardys Chardonnay AUSTRALIA 3.10 - 11.25 This lively Chardonnay displays lifted fresh citrus aromas which continue onto a soft rounded palate 13%
• Pinot Grigio Canaletto ITALY 3.25 - 11.75 Dry, crisp, aromatic & fresh, totally flexible as an aperitif or w/ food. 12%
• Nobilo Orca Bay Sauvignon Blanc NEW ZEALAND 3.60 - 12.95 Intense ripe gooseberry characters blend w/ warm supple peach & melon flavours. Medium bodied w/ balanced acidity & a crisp off dry finish.12.5%
• Héritage Rouge Patriarche FRANCE 2.95 - 10.75 Soft & round w/ notes of raspberry & fresh blackcurrant fruit flavours, & a hint of spice on the finish. 12%
• Santa Helena Merlot CHILE 3.15 - 11.45 On the nose, plum, red fruit & spice aromas. Medium bodied w/ blackberry & spice on the palate. 13%
• Three Pillars Cabernet Sauvignon AUSTRALIA 3.30 - 11.95 This Cabernet Sauvignon shows an abundance of flavour w/ lovely blackcurrant, blackberry & cherry fruits & a hint of vanilla oak the finish is smooth & silky. 13.5%
• Hardys Shiraz AUSTRALIA 3.10 - 11.25 Raspberry fruit aromas w/ overtones of spice & oak & rich dark cherry flavours on the palate. 13.5%
• Rioja Berberana Tempranillo SPAIN 3.45 - 12.45 Medium bodied, ruby red, soft, round & fruity w/ a subtle hint of oak. 12.5%
• Héritage Rose Patriarche FRANCE 2.95 - 10.75 Lightly refreshing w/ soft summer fruit flavours & a delightful, crisp, dry finish. 11.5%
• Sutter Home White Zinfandel CALIFORNIA 3.15 - 11.45 Delicate salmon pink in colour, w/ sweet aromas of strawberries & watermelon low in calories & light in alcohol. 9.5%
• Canard Duchéne NV Brut Cuvée Léonie FRANCE 26.75 Pronounced nose w/ exotic fruits, dry flowers & fresh butter aromas a fresh palate, w/ pineapple flavours & a slightly spicy finish. 12.5%
• Arthur Metz Sparkling Crémant D'Alsace Rosé FRANCE 15.75 Fresh fig accentuated by a hint of citrus & orange peel quickly gives way to wild strawberries, subtle flavours & redcurrants. 12%
• Canaletto Prosecco Italy 14.25 Fruity, w/ a scent of lemons & grapefruits it has a pronounced aroma of wisteria in bloom & acacia flowers. 12%

Menu added by users November 13, 2017

Menu added by users August 01, 2017

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Best Cruise Restaurants & Dining Experiences Onboard Voyager Of The Seas

These are some of the best cruise restaurants onboard the royal caribbean® amplified fleet-favorite, voyager of the seas® ..

By Amanda Mesa | Published on July 1, 2022

No travel vacation is complete without great food, and Royal Caribbean always delivers on that front. No matter which cruise ship you choose to vacation on, you can always look forward to delicious dining that spotlights flavors from all corners of the globe, from Asian-inspired eats and authentic Italian cuisine, to casual grab-and-go goodness or even an elevated culinary adventure with five-star, white-tablecloth service.

This is especially true onboard Voyager of the Seas , a family-favorite cruise ship that’s been Amplified with even more mouthwatering dining options kids and parents will love. There’s the iconic Windjammer, offering expertly prepared cuisine from around the world for breakfast and lunch, perfection served by the slice at the always lively Sorrento’s Pizza, classic steakhouse vibes at Chops Grille SM , and so much more. Keep reading for an insider’s guide to the best cruise food onboard Voyager of the Seas .

Café Promenade

Sorrento’s Pizza

Giovanni’s Table SM

Chops Grille

Chef's Table

Main Dining Room

Every cruiser should dedicate at least one night to eating in the Main Dining Room . This complimentary classic hosts a lavish multi-course dinner from a menu that spotlights rotating delicacies from Barbados to Budapest to Bangladesh. Taste your way through savory duck terrine paired with apricot chutney, spiced eggplant and Kalamata olive tartare dipped in red-pepper hummus, ahi tuna flavored with Moroccan spices and served over mint couscous, and mojo-marinated pork loin glazed with a cumin-citrus reduction. And then there’s dessert, which often includes options like tres leches soaked in sweet cream, homestyle carrot cake, and Grand Marnier soufflé. Since many of the dishes here rotate frequently, you could keep coming back for a new epicurean adventure every single night of your cruise without repeating any dishes.

No matter what kind of cuisine you’re in the mood for during your next vacation, the cruise dining options onboard the Amplified Voyager of the Seas won’t disappoint. Because there are so many places to choose from, you can dedicate each day to a different cruise restaurant — or stick to your top favorites. When it comes to cruise getaways with Royal Caribbean , there’s no right or wrong way to enjoy your vacation dining experience.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

Star Trek: Voyager's original ending had a surprise for the Borg

T he ending of Star Trek: Voyager didn't completely satisfy fans as we didn't get to see Voyager actually back on Earth nor did we see the crew reuniting with their friends and families. Instead, we see Voyager heading toward Earth, which wasn't exactly epic. But the original finale, according to Bryan Fuller [ via Giant Freakin Robot ], would have been a grand finale like no other with Captain Janeway taking on the Borg in an epic showdown.

According to Fuller, originally, because Kate Mulgrew wanted the captain to "go down with the ship but not at the full cost of her being," Captain Janeway was going to surrender Voyager to the Borg. But there was a nasty surprise waiting for the Collective—a reverse assimilation virus which would have destroyed the Borg from the inside out. The Voyager crew would have been able to use a transwarp conduit to make it back to Earth.

As Voyager escaped, an armada of Borg cubes would have followed, and the end result would have been quite the finale.

“This great final image of the Borg armada approaching Earth, and then out of the belly of the beast of the lead ship came Voyager, destroying all of the other Borg in its trail.”Bryan Fuller

Fuller thought this would have been the right way to end Janeway's journey with the Borg and would have given Seven of Nine complete freedom. Whether or not Janeway would have died in this version of the finale was still up in the air, but, like the hologram Janeway aboard the Protostar, it's a sacrifice she would have made either way.

Though this could have resulted in a finale that really resonated with fans, it could have essentially cost us Captain Janeway. With the powers-that-be unsure of whether or not she would have survived, this is a risk I'm glad they didn't take. The death of Janeway would have been traumatic, not only for her crew, but for those fans who would have gladly joined her crew. And since Voyager ended differently, Janeway has now returned as an admiral in the animated series, Star Trek: Prodigy. And most of us fans are holding out hope for a live-action return of the admiral. With so much Star Trek going on, there are plenty of places for her to pop up!

This article was originally published on redshirtsalwaysdie.com as Star Trek: Voyager's original ending had a surprise for the Borg .