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Where is Lee Evans now – retirement announcement, family life and mental struggles

Comedian Lee Evans shocked fans after turning his back on fame and retiring in 2014, but where is the legendary funnyman now? We take a look at what the comedian has been up to over recent years

• 13:04, 13 Jul 2023
• Updated 13:42, 13 Jul 2023

Lee Evans became a household name thanks to his energetic stand-up shows and hilarious impressions, which quickly made him one of Britain’s most-loved comedians.

The 59-year-old funnyman also gained worldwide success with his appearances in Hollywood movies Mousetrap, The Magic Roundabout and There's Something About Mary.

But, following his shock decision to retire in 2014, Lee stepped back from the spotlight and now devotes his time to family.

In July 2023, the star made a rare public appearance as he was seen in London with his wife Heather Nudds.

He was last seen two years prior.

Between being away from the limelight and his family life, here's everything we know about where he is now...

Retirement announcement

Lee, who moved from Bristol to Essex with his family aged 11, announced his decision to retire from comedy in November 2014 during an appearance on The Jonathan Ross Show.

Speaking to host Jonathan, the comic explained that he wanted to spend more time with his wife and daughter.

When asked how long the “remarkable force of comedy” planned to carry on in his job, Lee responded: “I am frigging knackered. This is it. Finished. This is the end. I am not doing anything.”

He also credited his retirement to the death of manager Addison Creswell, who passed away from a heart attack in 2013.

“All I have ever done is work and Addison always used to put his arm around me and say, ‘Don’t worry, I will look after you. It is okay’,” Lee said. “My dad always said to me, ‘You have got to work’ so I constantly worked and did comedy tours.

“I think I have ignored for far too long my missus, and I want to spend a lot more time with her. I am going to go and see my wife, be home and say ‘I’m yours’.”

He joked: "And I know what'll happen, in a week it'll be, 'Get out!'"

Spending time with his family

Lee now lives a relatively quiet life in Billericay, Essex, with his wife Heather Nudds.

The pair met as teenagers and by the time they were both 22, they decided to tie the knot. They married on 22 September 1984.

Speaking about the day he laid eyes on his wife for the first time, Lee told The Guardian: “Her mum was dying, and I saw her go by on her way to the hospital.

"And I was talking to a mate in the street, and I said, 'Who's that?' And he went, 'I dunno.' She looked distraught.

"And about two weeks later, I met her coincidentally when I went to see this band play - and we got on really well. I made her laugh, I think.”

Lee and Heather have since gone on to welcome daughter Mollie, who was born in 1993.

Stepping back into public life

Despite keeping an extremely low profile since his retirement, Lee has made a few rare appearances over the years.

In 2017, the legendary funnyman attended the premiere of Kenny in Liverpool.

He also appeared in a charity production of Harold Pinter's Wither Would You Go alongside comedian Jack Whitehall.

The event took place in October 2017, which marked Lee’s last on-stage appearance.

Meanwhile, last year, Lee was spotted cycling through Essex on his electric bike .

Battling mental health

Whilst Lee appeared perfectly happy with his plans to retire, he did previously admit to feeling “very gloomy” when not performing.

“Not on the outside, but at home I do [feel depressed],” he told The Sun in 2014.

“I get very deep and depressed. Everyone does sometimes, don’t they? I can sit there for ages with my head in my hands. It’s mostly out of being criticised because then I don’t feel worthy and slope off on my own.”

Lee’s final mammoth arena tour, Monsters, featured 51 dates around the UK and Ireland.

Rare public appearance in 2023

In mid-July, Lee was spotted in London with his wife Heather as he enjoyed dinner at a lavish restaurant.

Nine years after quitting showbiz, he strolled around Covent Garden as excited onlookers stopped to acknowledge him.

He waved at those passing him as he rocked a grey suit and a baby blue shirt. Lee kept a low profile with a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap.

The star looked at ease as he took in the sights and sounds of the bustling area of central London.

Lee was last seen in public in 2021 during a solo bike ride in Essex.

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All Seasons

S01e01 live at her majesty's theatre.

• October 10, 1994

The audience at the renowned Her Majesty's Theatre in London was left in tears of laughter as the irrepressible Lee Evans lets fly with his frenzied one hundred smiles an hour magic. This was the final show of Lee’s 1994 nationwide sell-out tour and you’ll soon see why he had the critics raving and his fans in stiches. It’s fast, furious and unforgettable! So watch this sensational show and find out why Lee Evans is one of the most thrilling names in comedy today.

S01E02 Live From The West End

• October 30, 1995

The audience on this magical evening in 1995 witnessed a show by Lee Evans which had never been seen before and featured the award winning “Bohemian Rhapsody” finale. It’s impossible to resist the high speed sparkle and elastic talent of Lee Evans. This is the most frenzied and furious hour of comedy you will ever see.

S01E03 Different Planet Tour

• February 6, 1996

On the 6th February 1996 the lovable and breathtakingly brilliant physical comedian Lee Evans opened his Different Planet Tour at the Lyric Theatre in London's West End. The show sold out it's entire 8 week run. Following his West End run Lee took the show on a 114 date tour during which he played to over 200,000 people, covered 4,500 miles in 63 different towns, returning again to the West End for one more magical performance. This DVD is that spectacular evening.

S01E04 Live In Scotland

• November 16, 1998

This is the side-splitting grand finale at the Edinburgh Playhouse of Lee Evans' 100 date sell-out 1998 UK tour. Lee performed to over 150,000 people and shows us why he is described by the critics as "one of the finest living comedians". Against the backdrop of a giant kilt and sporran, Lee invites you to watch the 'Lee Evans Trio' where he attempts to play all the instruments at the same time. He then takes you on a hilarious journey from evolution, running in flip-flops, shopping, the difference between men and women, to Brits abroad and the joys of television.

S01E05 Wired & Wonderful Live At Wembley

• November 25, 2002

Lee Evans is one of the few comedians in the world who can play over 100 dates on a triumphant nationwide tour culminating in 2 sold out spectacular nights at Wembley Arena. Never before has one man made so many laugh in one place at one time at such speed. Lee Evans, 10,000 people, a film crew, almost 2 hours of sensational material and Wembley. This is no new rock 'n' roll, this is classic comedy.

S01E06 XL Tour Live

• November 28, 2005

In August 2005, Lee Evans set out on the UK's biggest ever comedy tour, taking in over 35 cities, and playing to over 250,000 fans. The record breaking Lee Evans XL Tour 2005 marks Lee's sensational return to stand-up with some of the strongest and most hilarious routines he's ever written. This is one of the best nights from the tour, as Lee performs to over 4,000 adoring fans in Cardiff, Wales, the land of his ancestors.

S01E07 Big Live At The O2

• November 24, 2008

Lee Evans Big UK Tour 2008 is just that, his biggest comedy tour ever, taking in over 59 dates in the UK's biggest arenas and playing to over 500,000 people. Three years on since his record breaking XL tour Lee has pulled out all the stops to make this his funniest, most spectacular, biggest performance to date.

S01E08 Roadrunner - Live at the O2

• November 21, 2011

Wired And Wonderful was huge... XL was big... Big was even bigger... now the legendary Lee Evans embarks on his most ambitious tour to date. Roadrunner is Lee's amazing new show with over 60 nights in the biggest arenas in the country. Lee will be playing to more fans than ever on this record- breaking tour of the UK and Ireland in 2011 with the show filmed for DVD during his 5 nights at the 02.

S01E09 Monsters

• September 20, 2014

The Monsters Tour was a comedy tour by British comedian Lee Evans, which was be his final tour before he announced his retirement immediately after the end of the tour. Evans has since returned to comedy. The tour visited: Bournemouth, Brighton, Nottingham, Sheffield, Birmingham, London, Manchester, Glasgow, Leeds, Aberdeen, Liverpool, Newcastle, Dublin, Belfast and Cardiff with tickets going on sale in late May 2013. The video was filmed at the National Indoor Arena (NIA), Birmingham, UK on Saturday, 14th September 2014. Evans received a standing ovation following the finale.

Additional Specials

Special 0x1 live at her majesty's theatre.

Lee Evans first DVD. While he is a bit nervous he is still hilarious.

SPECIAL 0x2 Live from the West End

SPECIAL 0x3 Different Planet Tour

• April 2, 1996

Yet again a very funny performance from the extremely energetic (and sweaty!) comedian Lee Evans. What you see is what you get when you watch this man live. He is always falling over and running around like a mad man but what is most important is he is very funny. There are some classic moments such as when he talks about the Supermarket toilet roll tester and when he wheels a piano on stage that seemingly is out of control and heads for the front row of the audience.

SPECIAL 0x4 Live in Scotland

SPECIAL 0x5 Wired & Wonderful Live At Wembley

SPECIAL 0x6 XL Tour Live

SPECIAL 0x7 Big Live at the O2

Lee Evans - Big - Live At The 02 was recorded at the world famous London 02 Arena in front of over 16,000 fans in October 2008. The five record breaking nights saw Lee perform to over 80,000 people. This DVD is the highlight of the record breaking Lee Evans - Big - UK Tour 2008 which took in over 59 dates in the UK's biggest arenas. The total ticket sales topped 500,000 which makes this the biggest ever comedy tour to date. Catch Lee at his peak with big stand-up, big effects and a big performance in what will be the biggest DVD of the year.

SPECIAL 0x8 Big Live

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Past Events

Here are the most recent UK tour dates we had listed for Lee Evans. Were you there?

October 2018

• Thu 25 Oct ➙ Sat 8 Dec London, The Harold Pinter Theatre Keith Allen (2), Tom Edden, Lee Evans, Tamsin Greig, Meera Syal, Penelope Wilton …
• Wed 10 Oct London, The Harold Pinter Theatre Tom Hiddleston, Kit Harington, Simon Russell Beale, Jon Snow, Jade Anouka, Kristin Scott Thomas, Frances De La Tour, Felicity Kendal, Indira Varma, Zawe Ashton, Gawn Grainger, Forbes Masson, Sheila Hancock, Lee Evans, David Suchet, Tamsin Greig, Paapa Essiedu, John Simm, Patrick Marber, Russell Tovey, Gary Kemp, Lia Williams …

October 2017

• Sun 22 Oct London, The Harold Pinter Theatre Jay Abdo, Martin Freeman, Lee Evans, James Norton, Jack Whitehall, Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, Bertie Carvel, Wunmi Mosaku, Olivia Williams …

November 2014

• Sun 30 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Sat 29 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Fri 28 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Thu 27 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Wed 26 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Tue 25 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Mon 24 Nov Utilita Arena Cardiff Lee Evans
• Sat 22 Nov London, OVO Arena, Wembley Lee Evans
• Fri 21 Nov London, OVO Arena, Wembley Lee Evans
• Thu 20 Nov London, OVO Arena, Wembley Lee Evans
• Wed 19 Nov London, OVO Arena, Wembley Lee Evans
• Sat 15 Nov SSE Arena, Belfast Lee Evans
• Fri 14 Nov SSE Arena, Belfast Lee Evans
• Wed 12 Nov Dublin, 3Arena Lee Evans
• Sat 8 Nov Newcastle upon Tyne, Utilita Arena Newcastle Lee Evans
• Fri 7 Nov Newcastle upon Tyne, Utilita Arena Newcastle Lee Evans
• Thu 6 Nov Newcastle upon Tyne, Utilita Arena Newcastle Lee Evans
• Sat 1 Nov M&S Bank Arena Liverpool Lee Evans

October 2014

• Fri 31 Oct M&S Bank Arena Liverpool Lee Evans
• Thu 30 Oct M&S Bank Arena Liverpool Lee Evans
• Tue 28 Oct Aberdeen, AECC BHGE Arena Lee Evans
• Mon 27 Oct Aberdeen, AECC BHGE Arena Lee Evans
• Sat 25 Oct Leeds, first direct arena Lee Evans
• Fri 24 Oct Leeds, first direct arena Lee Evans
• Sat 18 Oct Glasgow, The OVO Hydro Lee Evans
• Fri 17 Oct Glasgow, The OVO Hydro Lee Evans
• Thu 16 Oct Glasgow, The OVO Hydro Lee Evans
• Sun 12 Oct Manchester, The AO Arena Lee Evans
• Sat 11 Oct Manchester, The AO Arena Lee Evans
• Fri 10 Oct Manchester, The AO Arena Lee Evans
• Thu 9 Oct Manchester, The AO Arena Lee Evans
• Sat 4 Oct London, The O2 Lee Evans
• Fri 3 Oct London, The O2 Lee Evans
• Thu 2 Oct London, The O2 Lee Evans

September 2014

• Sat 27 Sep London, The O2 Lee Evans
• Fri 26 Sep London, The O2 Lee Evans
• Thu 25 Sep London, The O2 Lee Evans
• Sun 21 Sep Utilita Arena Birmingham Lee Evans
• Sat 20 Sep Utilita Arena Birmingham Lee Evans
• Fri 19 Sep Utilita Arena Birmingham Lee Evans
• Thu 18 Sep Utilita Arena Birmingham Lee Evans
• Wed 17 Sep Utilita Arena Birmingham Lee Evans
• Tue 16 Sep Cheltenham, Parabola Arts Centre Lee Evans
• Sat 13 Sep Utilita Arena Sheffield Lee Evans
• Fri 12 Sep Utilita Arena Sheffield Lee Evans
• Thu 11 Sep Utilita Arena Sheffield Lee Evans
• Mon 8 Sep Motorpoint Arena Nottingham Lee Evans
• Sun 7 Sep Motorpoint Arena Nottingham Lee Evans
• Sat 6 Sep Motorpoint Arena Nottingham Lee Evans
• Fri 5 Sep Motorpoint Arena Nottingham Lee Evans
• Thu 4 Sep Motorpoint Arena Nottingham Lee Evans
• Mon 1 Sep Brighton Centre Lee Evans

August 2014

• Sun 31 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Sat 30 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Fri 29 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Thu 28 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Wed 27 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Tue 26 Aug Brighton Centre Lee Evans
• Sun 24 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Sat 23 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Fri 22 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Thu 21 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Wed 20 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Tue 19 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Mon 18 Aug The BIC, Bournemouth Lee Evans
• Fri 15 Aug Cambridge Corn Exchange Lee Evans
• Thu 14 Aug Cambridge Corn Exchange Lee Evans
• Tue 12 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Mon 11 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Sun 10 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Sat 9 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Fri 8 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Thu 7 Aug Plymouth Pavilions Lee Evans
• Mon 4 Aug Edinburgh Playhouse Theatre Lee Evans
• Sun 3 Aug Edinburgh Playhouse Theatre Lee Evans
• Thu 31 Jul Southend-on-Sea, Cliffs Pavilion Lee Evans
• Wed 30 Jul Southend-on-Sea, Cliffs Pavilion Lee Evans
• Mon 28 Jul Carlisle, The Sands Centre Lee Evans
• Sun 27 Jul Dumfries, DG One Leisure Complex Lee Evans
• Sat 26 Jul Dundee, Caird Hall Lee Evans
• Wed 23 Jul Portsmouth, Kings Theatre Lee Evans
• Sun 20 Jul Cheltenham Racecourse Lee Evans
• Sat 19 Jul Bristol Beacon Lee Evans
• Fri 18 Jul Bristol Beacon Lee Evans
• Wed 16 Jul New Theatre Oxford Lee Evans
• Tue 15 Jul New Theatre Oxford Lee Evans
• Sat 12 Jul Blackpool Winter Gardens Lee Evans
• Fri 11 Jul Blackpool Winter Gardens Lee Evans
• Thu 10 Jul Stoke-on-Trent, Regent Theatre Lee Evans
• Mon 7 Jul Eastbourne, Congress Theatre Lee Evans
• Sun 6 Jul Norwich, Theatre Royal Lee Evans
• Sat 5 Jul Norwich, Theatre Royal Lee Evans
• Thu 3 Jul Ipswich, Regent Theatre Lee Evans
• Mon 30 Jun Southampton, Mayflower Theatre Lee Evans
• Sat 21 Jun Yeovil, Octagon Theatre Lee Evans
• Fri 20 Jun Yeovil, Octagon Theatre Lee Evans
• Fri 13 Jun Bedford Corn Exchange Lee Evans

Lee Evans image © Ray Burminston

• Cast & crew
• User reviews

Lee Evans: XL Tour Live 2005

A DVD containing the comedy antics of Lee Evans on his live stand-up tour in Cardiff, Wales. A DVD containing the comedy antics of Lee Evans on his live stand-up tour in Cardiff, Wales. A DVD containing the comedy antics of Lee Evans on his live stand-up tour in Cardiff, Wales.

• 11 User reviews

• All cast & crew
• Production, box office & more at IMDbPro

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Did you know

• Trivia In one night Lee Evans covers a distance of 11.8 miles as he walks around on stage.

Lee Evans : Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"

• Crazy credits The end credits start with the cries of a baby. There are three 'video' screens above the rolling credits. An explosion occurs on them then a man starts to say random things as the credits roll, and some of his dialog appears on the screens above. Then, at the end of the rolling credits, the mans voice comes to a distorted end, and Lee Evans suddenly appears in the distance on the screens above, then he rushes forward and flies right into them and then slides down them.
• Connections References Flashdance (1983)
• Soundtracks Three Second Memory Performed by Lee Evans

User reviews 11

• Jun 13, 2006
• November 28, 2005 (United Kingdom)
• United Kingdom
• Cardiff Motorpoint Arena, Cardiff, Wales, UK
• Little Mo Films
• Off The Wall Productions
• See more company credits at IMDbPro

Technical specs

• Runtime 2 hours 21 minutes
• Dolby Digital

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Shop the ‘arresting’ timberbaked page six tee now, hot off the presses.

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This is quite the arresting design , no? #IYKYK 

If you keep tabs on the tabloids, you’ll get this reference and want to  remember  the “ Forget Tomorrow World Tour ” for more reasons than one.

Unlike the police officer, we all know the boy band member turned recent mug-shot model and have been following the news minute by minute, as broken by our Page Six reporters.

For those not in the know, Page Six was the first to break the story of a certain singer’s recent DWI, in which he was pulled over in Sag Harbor, NY, by a police officer who didn’t recognize the famous A-list musician behind the wheel.

His next court date is set for July 26, which means there are a few more than “4 Minutes” to get your hands on some merch.

Timberbaked World Tour Tee

For a limited time, head to the Official New York Post and Page Six Store to place your order for our exclusive tee. The black shirt features the white Page Six font and the now iconic “What Tour? The World Tour.” dialogue from the Sag Harbor roadside incident-turned-meme.

Make sure to shop the Page Six ‘Timberbaked’ tee now, before this design goes bye bye…bye. 

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Parties and punch-ups: behind the scenes at the 1989 Moscow Peace Festival

Just your everyday tale of the first (and probably last) anti-drug festival behind the Iron Curtain, with Bon Jovi, Scorpions, Ozzy Osbourne, Cinderalla and Skid Row

If the original 1969 Woodstock festival, with its gruesomely naked bodies, uninhibited drug-taking and unprecedented approach to crowd control – come on down, brothers and sisters, it’s all free! – had been emblematic of the countercultural ‘revolution’ of the late 1960s, then there can have been no better symbol of the money-grabbin’, drug-hypocritical, so-called safe-sex 1980s than the Moscow Music Peace Festival, held exactly 20 years – and what seemed like several lifetimes – later. 

Never mind Live Aid . More people may remember that but Live Aid, with its ultra-focused fundraising and dizzying global clout, was more of a handholding 60s throwback than it was a genuine expression of the age; a cultural aberration that deliberately traded on me-first 80s guilt to ram home its almost anachronistic message: feed the children, help the poor, pretend Thatcher and Reagan never existed (and while you’re at it, help revive my career). 

The Moscow Music Peace Festival, however, was a genuinely self-absorbed, glossed-over, height-of-the-80s, multimedia event; inspired by the deeply held desire of a convicted international drug-trafficker to avoid going to jail, and the fervent wishes of the famous bands whose careers he then guided not to be robbed of their Svengali, their bad daddy, their real money maker. 

In short, the only interests the Moscow Music Peace Festival really served were of the people on the stage, not the ones off it. 

Even the location for the event seemed bizarrely at odds with prevailing rock culture, certainly as it had existed up until 1989: since when had the Lenin Stadium in Moscow become a venue of choice for high-profile rock bands? 

Since Doc McGhee said so, that’s when. McGhee, lest we forget, was then manager of five of the seven big-name bands that would appear on the Moscow bill: Bon Jovi , The Scorpions , Mötley Crüe , Skid Row and local Russian outfit Gorky Park. 

While the only other big name acts appearing at the festival not connected to McGhee – Ozzy Osbourne and Cinderella – were both managed by people he’d worked with many times over the years (notably, Sharon Osbourne, on the Crüe’s breakthrough US tour opening for Ozzy six years before, and when Doc returned the favour by letting Lita Ford , then managed by Sharon, open for Bon Jovi on his 1988 world tour). McGhee was also a convicted felon.

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Or as drummer Tommy Lee put it in the 2001 official Mötley Crüe biography, The Dirt : ‘Before [McGhee] met us, he was living a secret life that blew up on him when he got busted for helping smuggle 40,000 fucking pounds of pot from Colombia into North Carolina.

It wasn’t his only bust, because he was also being accused of associating with some well-connected madmen who had conspired to bring over a half a million pounds of blow [cocaine] and weed into the United States in the early 80s.’ The result, after he had pleaded guilty at the trial in North Carolina, was a relatively modest $15,000 fine, plus a five-year suspended prison sentence.

The reason he was able to get off with such a light sentence was his additional offer to put together an anti-drugs organisation, the Make A Difference Foundation, for which he would raise money the only legal way he knew how: via his music biz connections.

As Tommy said: ‘Doc knew that anyone else probably would have been in jail for at least 10 years for that shit, so he had to do something high-profile to show the court he was doing the world some good as a free man. And his brainstorm was to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Woodstock with the Moscow Music Peace Festival.’

But as Tommy ruefully concluded: "It was all bad from the moment we stepped on the plane… There was a so-called doctor on board, who was plying the bands who weren’t sober with whatever medicine they needed. It was clear that this was going to be a monumental festival of hypocrisy."

Not that I was yet aware of any of that as I stood there, sweaty and starving, at Cheremetyov airport in August 1989, waiting for the plane to land. I was still too flummoxed by Moscow itself to worry about what any of the bands might be thinking. I had arrived 48 hours before to find a city gripped by such a fearful heat that all the sensible (read: rich) people had fled the city for their summer dachas. Not that there was much to keep them there during the cooler months either.

Back then, before the Berlin Wall had fallen, the image Moscow conjured up in one’s mind was of a large, grey, unhappy citadel full of long faces and even longer food queues. The reality, however, was much worse than that. Rule number one, I discovered on my first night there, was There Is No Food. That is, nothing edible.

There were restaurants, of course, but mostly they were all closed. Usually for ‘cleaning’ which seemed to take place approximately six nights out of seven. Even when you did find a restaurant open it invariably wasn’t worth eating in. Learning to survive on the road means learning to eat anything. Fussy eaters are the first to throw in the towel.

As a result, over the years I had, at various trying moments, found myself eating smoked reindeer and bear-steaks in Helsinki; drinking the foul tap water of Rio de Janeiro; quaffing chilli-dogs and fries at fast-food counters all over America; and gorging myself on raw fish and cold rice in Tokyo.

But never in all my travels had I come across anything so frankly – or ironically – vomit-inducing as the Chicken Kiev in Russia. “Why do you think there are no dogs on the streets of Moscow?” whispered Dimitri, conspiratorially – one of the many official KGB-approved festival ‘guides’ and ‘interpreters’ – as I pushed away my plate again one night.

Rule number two: There Is No Such Thing As Russian Money. Well, actually, there was – it was called ‘the rouble’, but no self-respecting Russian trader would accept them as currency. Officially, a rouble was the equivalent of £1 sterling. But on the black market you could get up to 10 roubles for your pound.

Even then, however, they simply weren’t worth having. The only thing a stack of Roubles could buy you was a wooden doll and a big furry hat. The only real consumer goods available were on sale in the tourist-only stores, which took all major credit cards including American Express. In fact, the main currency in Moscow back then, spookily, was US dollars. And if you didn’t have the exact amount you could throw in a pack of Marlboros. For change, you might receive an assortment of dollar bills, 10- franc pieces and the occasional silver Deutsche Mark. For small change you might get handed a packet of orange-flavoured Tic-Tacs. No joke.

As for music… well, these days, no doubt, it’s as easy in Moscow to download your favourite emo codswallop from the internet as it is anywhere else. Back then, however, records and tapes were purchased almost exclusively on the black market. There was only one official record store in the whole of Moscow and when I visited it they were selling the sort of junk you might find at a car-boot sale – dusty Frank Ifield LPs and third-generation home-made cassettes of The Beatles.

Everything else was either banned or simply not available in the Russian market. The reason for this, as Jon Bon Jovi later told me, was that “they don’t pay royalties”. He said they’d actually let them release the Slippery When Wet album in the USSR, “but we did it knowing we’d never see any money for it”. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the album had already made $100 million throughout the rest of the world they’d never have been so generous. Along with most of the Western bands flying in for the festival, I was staying at a ‘five star’, £125 night shit-hole in the heart of Moscow, one block from Red Square and the imposing shadow of the Kremlin.

Sex workers lined the entrance to the hotel, and dark-suited security guards with the thick necks and thicker accents of Bond villains checked the ID of everyone wishing to enter. Enormous black cockroaches clung lazily to the walls and ceiling of the lobby. In my room on the 16th floor I was advised by one of the advance crew to check for bedbugs before turning in for the night.

In my bathroom the water running from the taps was the rich brown colour of yesterday’s piss; in the soap dish there sat a decomposing apple-core. The only towel provided was hanky-thin and crisp as an old rag. Two cigarette stubs floated lifelessly in the toilet pan. I was truly baffled. What the fuck had happened back there when they’d had the Great Revolution? Hadn’t anybody come out on top at the end of it? And if they had, where did those guys go to eat – and sleep?

I had only been in bed 10 minutes when there was a knock at my door. I thought it might be the KGB. But when I opened the door a crack there was only one of the sex workers from the lobby, asking if I’d like to buy champagne (“Only ten dollars, US,” she grinned uninvitingly) or perhaps more (“I keep you company, yes?” Er, no… thanks).

This happened every single night I was there. On the third night, already drunk and feeling emboldened after another day of dog-burgers and Tic-Tacs, I invited her in. She asked if she could bring a friend and out of nowhere another woman appeared. I gave them $20 and we opened a couple of bottles of champagne. It was so sickly sweet it made Asti Spumanti taste like Dom Perignon.

I sat there on the bed morosely, drinking it and asking them about Russia. They agreed that Russian life was “verrry bad”. Never mind, I said, Gorbachev was working on it, right?

“No!” they cried in unison. Gorbachev was “verrry, verry, verry bad!”

They said they’d preferred life under the old regime. At least then, they said, you could get meat and bread and didn’t have to queue for everything. I gave them another $20 when they left and went to sleep feeling worse than ever. Gorby may have been a huge hero to the West back then but apparently he didn’t mean shit to the ordinary whores and champagne guzzlers of Moscow.

I went to sleep thinking I understood but of course I didn’t. It goes without saying that the bands were even more nonplussed when they arrived. Walking through Red Square in the rain with Ozzy the day after he landed, he looked around glumly and summed up the general feeling surrounding the build-up to the festival when he said: “If I was living here full-time, I’d probably be dead of alcoholism, or sniffing car tyres – anything to get out of it. I can understand why there’s such an alcohol problem here. There’s nothing else to do.”

Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx from the Crüe were similarly downbeat when I ran into them backstage at the Lenin Stadium the day before the first of two shows.

“It might be an anti-drugs concert for some people,” said Nikki with a shrug, “but it’s not for us. It’s anti-abuse we’re talking about. That’s our belief. We’re not here to preach. If you tell a young kid not to do drugs, he’s gonna do it anyway. I know I did. We just say – if you cross the line between use and abuse, then that’s really tragic. I’ve crossed that line, many times. And I know from experience that it’s bad, and I try to tell kids not to cross the line. The rest is up to them.”

But then Ozzy and the Crüe were the only bands on the bill still struggling with ‘substance abuse’ issues of their own. Indeed, Ozzy would be arrested for attempting to strangle Sharon within weeks of returning home from Moscow, after drinking the case of Russian vodka miniatures he’d been presented with by the promoter. While Nikki, Vince and the guys were then famously fresh out of an enforced spell in rehab, riding a wagon they were still barely clinging to.

The Scorpions, the only band from the West on the bill to have played there before – 10 sold-out nights in Leningrad in March ’88 – were predictably more upbeat about the festival’s prospects for doing good, hamming it up during their soundcheck at the Lenin Stadium with an over-the-top version of Back In The USSR.

As vocalist Klaus Meine told me afterwards: “There’s everywhere a drug problem, all over the world. So I think it’s good that the bands stand together on one stage and give a message to the kids in the world: forget about the drugs. The best drug is music.”

In the end, it was left to the ever-more earnest Jon Bon Jovi to talk up the festival and put it into some kind of historical perspective. Driving around town with Jon one afternoon in the back of a Russian-made Zil limousine, I listened patiently as he waxed lyrical about Nelson Mandela, Bob Geldof and the impossibility of obtaining a cold beer in Moscow. The two major issues, said Jon, were “money and awareness”.

After the “production costs” all proceeds from the two concerts were clearly earmarked for various drug and alcohol ‘rehabilitation centres’ and ‘substance abuse awareness’ programmes, specifically in the Soviet Union, where until the onset of Gorby’s perestroika it was not officially admitted that a drug or alcohol problem even existed.

The extra “icing on the cake” was being able “to do something no other rock band has yet done”. Live Aid had been about helping the famine-victims of Africa; Moscow was about helping the kids closer to home.

“You know, at this stage of the game, it’s like you ask yourself, ‘What can we do that Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones or the Beatles didn’t already do?’ And being here is it. Not only do we get to come over in a good cause, we also get to put on the kind of rock show never before seen in the Soviet Union.” Meine peered out the window through his shades at the rain sleeting down then added: “People are always ready to question the motives behind why a bunch of rock stars would want to get together and do something like this. And, sure, inevitably you get a clash of egos occasionally. It’s not exactly the easiest thing to organise in the world, we sure found that out! But at the end of the day, I look at it like this.

"I wouldn’t have known about Nelson Mandela’s situation like I do now had I not been drawn to it because of the artists on Amnesty. Or I don’t think that I would’ve ever known about Ethiopia the way I do now if it wasn’t for Bob Geldof. So there is a wonderful icing on the cake. You get to see all these big performers that I enjoy too, but there’s ultimately a cause behind it. And that’s what raises your awareness.”

All of which was true. And yet behind the scenes several spectres still loomed. Not least that of Aerosmith , who not only pulled out of the event at the eleventh hour but also insisted their contribution to the official Make A Difference album (a version of The Doors ’ Love Me Two Times) be lifted from the final pressing, after privately expressing concern over where exactly all the money was actually going.

Then Ozzy threatened to pull out of the event the night before the first show when McGhee suddenly changed his placing on the bill from third to fourth, upgrading Mötley Crüe to the slot above Ozzy. McGhee took the threat seriously enough to return Ozzy to his original placing on the bill, just below the Scorpions and Bon Jovi, and Ozzy kept his promise and did the show.

What Mötley Crüe thought of this was only made clear 12 years later when The Dirt came out. According to Tommy, "Doc had told each band something different in order to get them to do the show. Jon Bon Jovi thought it was just another stop on his world headlining tour, while we thought it was supposed to be a small-scale, reduced set. Then the production manager broke the news to us that we’d been demoted. We were on before Ozzy and The Scorpions, I was fucking livid.

Doc was supposed to be our manager, looking out for our best interests, and he was favouring one of his newer clients, Bon Jovi, over us and the Scorpions, who, in Russia, were massive. 'Fuck you, Doc,' Nikki said to him. 'We didn’t fly all the way to Russia to be an opening act while Bon-fucking-Jovi gets to headline for an hour and a half. What’s up with that?'"

After the show was over, Tommy says, he ‘hunted Doc down and found him backstage. I walked right up to him and pushed him in his fat little chest, knocking him over onto the ground like a broken Weeble. As he lay there, Nikki broke the news: “Doc, you lied to us again. This time you’re fucking fired!”’

The last time I saw Jon Bon Jovi on that trip he was in Red Square, still looking for a cold beer.

“Have you discovered any of the night life here yet?” he asked me hopefully.

I shook my head. We stood there on the steps of St. Asille’s Cathedral in Red Square, along with all the other out-of-towners and tourists, waiting to watch the changing of the guard at the gates of the Kremlin. I don’t think either of us knew what difference any of it really made…

It’ll be alright on the night…

Amid all the backstage chaos, just how did the Moscow shows go down?  

Despite the behind-the-scenes bickering – Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee even punched out promoter Doc McGhee when he realised headliners Bon Jovi were to use pyrotechnics, something all the bands had been told was strictly off limits – music-wise the Moscow Music Peace Festival was a triumph. 

Against all the egotistical odds, each band finally took to the stage and played six songs. Skid Row stormed through a set that featured The Sex Pistols’ Holidays In The Sun , Ozzy Osbourne mixed his own solo material ( Shot In The Dark and Suicide Solution ) with a couple of Black Sabbath classics ( Sweet Leaf, Paranoid ) to a huge response. 

Cinderella were at the height of their powers – turning in a set that included high-voltage versions of Falling Apart At The Seams and Coming Home , while Mötley Crüe channelled their anger into a ball of punkish energy with a ferocious set that featured Girls Girls Girls and Wild Side . 

The Scorpions were given a huge reception – they were arguably the most popular band on the bill back then – and Gorky Park held their own. 

Topping it off, Jon Bon Jovi showed his prowess for courting popularity with the locals by wearing a Russian army coat and hat as the band tore through a show that included Blood On Blood, Wanted Dead Or Alive and Lay Your Hands On Me . Both nights finished in a memorable jam session; members of all the bands joined by drummer Jason Bonham took on Elvis’s Hound Dog (first night), Little Richard’s Long Tall Sally (second night) and Led Zeppelin’s Rock And Roll (both nights).

Mick Wall is the UK's best-known rock writer, author and TV and radio programme maker, and is the author of numerous critically-acclaimed books, including definitive, bestselling titles on Led Zeppelin ( When Giants Walked the Earth ), Metallica ( Enter Night ), AC/DC ( Hell Ain't a Bad Place To Be ), Black Sabbath ( Symptom of the Universe ), Lou Reed, The Doors ( Love Becomes a Funeral Pyre ), Guns N' Roses and Lemmy. He lives in England.

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